🍕 NoCo Pizza Ratings

A father & son review of Northern Colorado's pizza

😼 Welcome to Azul's Corner

Azul

This page was not approved by Azul. He doesn't approve of anything. He tolerates it at best.

🎤 Exclusive Interview with Azul

Q: Azul, what's your favorite pizza topping?

A: Plastic bag.

Q: How would you rate the pizza, in general?

A: I have never eaten pizza. I have eaten a hair tie and part of a shoelace. Both were excellent.

Q: What do you think of Dad's reviews?

A: He talks too much. I bit him once and he still didn't stop.

Q: What about Chase's reviews?

A: Chase is warm and sits still sometimes. That is his best quality. His reviews are irrelevant to me.

Q: Do you have any advice for aspiring pizza critics?

A: Knock the pizza off the table and see if they order more. That tells you everything you need to know.

Q: What's your daily routine?

A: 3 AM sprint. Scream at wall. Sleep 14 hours. Bite something. Repeat.

Q: Any final thoughts?

A: I would like to be paid for this interview. In plastic bags.

⭐ Azul's Performance Review of the Humans

🧔 Dad (Jeremiah)

Rating: 😺😺😺😺 (4/10)

Strengths: Provides food. Is warm. Opens doors when demanded. Annoyingly buff and handsome, which means he gets attention that should be directed at me. I despise it.

Weaknesses: Talks constantly. Flexes in the mirror when he should be filling my bowl. Tries to pick me up with his disgustingly muscular arms. Thinks he's in charge. He is not. Also, everyone tells him how handsome he is and it's infuriating. I'm the cute one in this house.

Review: Adequate servant. Would not rehire, but replacement process seems complicated. Will keep for now. Please stop flexing.

🎮 Chase

Rating: 😺😺😺😺😺 (5/10)

Strengths: Leaves warm laundry on bed. Sometimes drops food. Gaming chair is comfortable to sit on when he's not there.

Weaknesses: Too loud. Moves too fast. Always tries to pick me up like I'm some kind of stuffed animal. Once tried to put a hat on me. Unforgivable.

Review: Shows potential. Needs more training. I am working on it. Also, kids are annoying. That is all.

😼 Azul (Himself)

Rating: 😺😺😺😺😺😺😺😺😺😺 (10/10)

Strengths: Perfect in every way. Flawless floof. Superior intellect. Unmatched speed at 3 AM. Best whiskers in the business.

Weaknesses: None. Absolutely none. Don't even suggest it.

Review: The single greatest cat to ever walk this earth. Would hire again. Would hire only himself. Everyone else is just background noise.

🍕 Pizza

Rating: (0/10)

Strengths: The box it comes in is fun to sit in.

Weaknesses: Not plastic. Not a hair tie. Not a shoelace. Completely inedible.

Review: Overrated. Would not recommend. The humans seem obsessed with it and frankly it's embarrassing.

📋 Azul's Daily Schedule

Time Activity
3:00 AMFull-speed sprint through the house. No reason. None needed.
3:05 AMScream at the wall. The wall knows what it did.
3:10 AMSit on Dad's face until he wakes up.
3:15 AMPretend nothing happened.
6:00 AMDemand breakfast. Stare at food. Walk away.
6:05 AMCome back. Eat two bites. Leave again.
7:00 AMWatch Dad lift weights in the garage. Disgusting. Look at those arms. I want to bite them.
7:30 AMDad walks by shirtless. Absolutely revolting. So handsome it makes me sick. I'm plotting his demise.
7:45 AMDad flexes in the mirror. I've never hated anyone more. His jawline is infuriating.
8:00 AMFind a plastic bag. Chew on it. Get yelled at. Worth it.
9:00 AMNap on someone's laptop. Bonus points if they're using it.
12:00 PMKnock something off the counter. Maintain eye contact.
1:00 PMNap in a sunbeam. This is non-negotiable.
4:00 PMDemand attention. Bite the hand that pets me. Classic.
6:00 PMWatch the humans eat pizza. Judge them silently.
8:00 PMSit on Chase's gaming chair. Refuse to move.
10:00 PMAllow belly rub for exactly 2 seconds. Then attack.
11:00 PMSleep. Recharge for the 3 AM sprint.

🏆 Azul's Awards & Achievements

🐱 This page was written without Azul's consent. He has been informed and does not care.